After all this time, I'm updating.
So much has happened. Too much, actually, for me to relate to anybody in one post.
But right here, I have something I need to say, before I forget.
Ever since I earned my first perfect report card, I have been "something". I will always be "something", and will always be trying to be "something". A doctor, a lawyer, a teacher, it doesn't matter.
All I want in the world right now, this second, is this. To be glamorous, to be British, to be indie, to be different, to have no direction in life and to never want to be a something.

I hate when people say, "You smell really good!" and do not further explain what exactly they are smelling, especially if you didn't put on deodorant this morning, let alone perfume.

Basically...

I rock! Choate went wonderfully. Here's the synopsis I gave a few online-buddies...

Before visit: " I'm sitting in the Executive room at the hotel we stayed in last night after a 5 and a half hour drive!!
I forgot a bra and razor at home, so an emergency stop at Target was necessary. We're leaving 15 minutes to go to Choate, and its rainy and miserable. But I can't stop smiling!"

After visit: "Wow, you are psychic.
I felt WONDERFUL. I was comfortable, and the campus made me want to literally cry with joy. I had braced myself for disappointment, thinking that- Oh, it can't be the paradise I want it to be. The website just highlights the best parts. It can't be like this in reality.
It was... AMAZING! I can't say it enough, I loved it. I raved about it during the entire 5 hour car drive home after the tour and interview. The presentation given at the Saturday Showcase was brilliant, the admissions people were kind and considerate, and I met with the volleyball coach. The atmosphere is brilliant and comfortable, and I didn't feel out of place no matter where we went. The interviewer was kind and very accommodating. There was no anxious waiting in a waiting room outside her door, either- it was more of a reception with parents of current students and the other applicants type of thing. Wonderful. I was interviewed by Terry Burditt (spelling? haha), a wonderful lady, very kind. She asked me how things were in the classroom, what I am passionate about, and how would my teachers describe me. We spoke a lot about my interests in volleyball and oboe, and what the school was like and what it offered. The tour was very nice, even though it was POURING rain. The tour guide and I hit it off great, we each spoke a lot about our individual passions and she was great about taking me to places I wanted to see or where she thought I would like. I'll be a new fourth former, so I got to see the BRAND NEW, gorgeous 4th form girl dorms. It was great, and majority of the rooms are singles. The athletic and arts facilities were great! The interviewer spoke to my mother, and said I was mature, poised, and she was very impressed. I would be a good fit in the school, according to her, and she also told me I did wonderfully. I'm not saying all this to brag, but to tell people that cHOATE IS AMAZING!(And I was totally right in assuming this would be my top choice school!!)"
"OH MY GOD AMAZING DORMS. They are BRAND brand new, just opened this year. A large portion were singles, but the double room I saw was LARGE, larger than my room right now. The closets had shelves and the beds had drawers underneath them, they had bookcases and posters covering the wall. The walls were white, obviously, and the furniture a light colored wood. It takes a key card to get in, and it's great. Very pretty! And all the rooms are just as gorgeous, I've been told. The mixed form dorms aren't new, so try to get in the 4th form girls dorm!! It's amazing The campus in general felt cohesive, comfortable, and I could see myself walking around there everyday for classes!"
"Haha, no, I haven't seen the other schools. I know I should withhold judgement until then, but I really do love Choate. I'm applying to Exeter for financial aid (and yes, a little prestige), and Andover because of need-blind admissions (and yes, more prestige). Choate was narrowed down from a list of 8 other schools, when I knew my mom would only let me apply to 3. I chose it because of its friendly atmosphere, comprehensive athletics AND academics AND arts programs, because I'm prevalent in all three. I'm simply amazed at how accurate my feelings from the website were, and how awesome it was in general. I love Choate because of Choate, not because of financial aid or admissions. "

( Checklist )

If you have ANY sympathy, you will watch my YouTube videos!!

youtube.com/emilyxthexwise

Yes I'm a sad human being.

Must... chronicle attempts at health.

This'll be my first real attempt at a real health regime, though it's pretty unstructured. Some light jogging, strength and core work outs. My only set up is a treadmill (new, and oh-so-nice) and an exercise ball.

Running:
10 mins, light jog

Core:
50 crunches
30 sec wall sit
30 sec plank

Strength:
10 leg lifts
30 forward, 30 backward bicycles
20 side lifts

GOALS:
Add cool-down jog
Increase crunches to 60
2 wall sits, 2 planks

"Leah Marie, fourteen years old, track prodigy, and straight-A student, finds herself in an apocalyptic world full of a mysterious disease that destroys her carefully constructed plans one by one."

It's Halloween! Boo!
I'm going to a Halloween party at 8. No trick or treating for me, oh well. It's cool though, because there's most likely going to be candy, cookies, drinks, and movies at Cheeto's house. And it'll be way warmer.

I haven't progressed much on the boarding school front, at all. Oh well! I'm feeling happy today. Ben's been a douche bag recently, I told him so, and today he was simply... Perfect. I let the little stuff go (like bolting out of class before I could say Hi... bleh) and he was so cute. He comes up behind me in between classes when we're stopped at our lockers and puts his arms around my waist and rests his chin on my shoulder. So cute, very warm, very secure-feeling.

He can still give me butterflies in my stomach, and that's good enough for me. :)

I have been wonderfully productive recently! And woefully annoyed by math. I shall fail quite horribly. Oh well.

So, I've done quite a few essays for schools in the past couple days.
I still need a ton of stupid stuff, though.

Choate interview in 18 days.

( Checklist... )

So... Boarding school. Its been going well. I took the SSAT a week or two ago, and it went amazingly well- the writing is the only part I'm actually nervous about. And that's not even a scored part! Wow. So, what have I done boarding-school-related since I last did a checklist?
Not much.
I handed out the Math and English, and the majority of the Personal, recommendations, but those don't need to to be done for a while. I took the SSAT... easy, anyways. Next on my list is TONIGHT, to sit down and continue filling out forms and the like. Also, to actually start on the essays. I'm in deep shit here- I've only completed one out 7 essays (though maybe it can be reused) and too-many-to-count short answers. Argh.
Although I've gone up from 8 things done to 19, the list of things to be DONE has gone up from 45 to 61, mostly because of adding MAIL to the lists. Argh.

Choate interview in 23 days.
March 10th in 138 days.

( Checklist )

February 20th, 2007.
The day I died.
The hospital issued an official time of death at 1:30 in the morning. I disagree, personally- they dumped my body on the table without even the smallest breath of life in me about a half hour before they gave up. I know, because I was there. Sort of.
My clothes were lying in a brown paper bag next to the operating table, where they had left my body for the time being. I opened the bag as quietly as I could and put on my muddy pants and blood-smeared army jacket. I slowly fingered the still damp hole where just an hour before a bullet had slammed into my chest. The other three had gone through my head.
I couldn't go out the door and walk past my parents. I still wasn't sure why I could still see, still feel, still be in the now, and I didn't want to give my parents false hope. Could they even see me? I walked past an orderly, and he didn't look up. I was disheveled in the worst degree, out of place in the prisitine hallway, yet he looked right through me.
My stepmother was outside the hospital door, smoking a cigarette and waiting for my mother. I walked past her, snubbing out her cigarette with a glob of spit. I didn't have to be polite, let alone lady-like, any more. I was ninety percent sure I was dead. Just ninety.
My stepmother didn't notice her cigarette was out at first, but she simply threw it on the ground. It didn't have spit on it anymore, either.
My mother walked out of the hospital crying, holding the paper bag. She had my cell phone. I froze, dying to snatch it out of her hand. This could get ugly- she already knew I had broken the rules, that I was out of the house after eleven, but the phone had my texts, my pictures. I prayed that she wouldn't look at the pictures.


((I am bored and in study hall, I felt like it.))

I am such a whore. I just read my last entry over again...

What was I even thinking then?

We've only lost one game. We've won 6, lost 1. If we keep that record up (we also won ALL the non-divisional matches) we have a really good shot going into IACs. I sure hope Tioga loses at least 1 or hopefully 2 (or all the rest of their games) so that we don't have THEM to beat to get into IACs comfortably.

I'm in school with a sore throat and aching body. It's been a tough week, trust me, haha.

I started dating Ben last Friday. I asked him out in Spanish- I stole his agenda and wrote "Hi. We should go out!" in cutesy letters. I held his necklace of guitar picks hostage until he gave me his answer- he held me in suspense for the entire period. His answer was to tell me to keep the necklace, because he says yes- it was very cute.

He made me my own necklace on Saturday- three guitar picks, a reddish brown one, a Hot Topic one, and a blue one, on a plain metal-beaded chain. It's cute and was very sweet. I like him so much- his bass playing turns me on like no tomorrow. He's really hot when he plays- and he's really good. I've only seen him play once and it practically made my heart stop! Haha.

I'm sick. Volleyball has been going well- we won last night, but lost to our biggest competition so far on Tuesday. So did Varsity, but the other team's varsity was amazing on Tuesday. It was sad- the referee was a bitch.

I'm so tired. My throat hurts like fuck. But we do this thing called Big-Sis - Little-Sis between Varsity and JV, and it's so awesome! Right now it's the Big Sis's turns to get stuff for the Little Sis, and I got a sweet card on Wednesday, a poster on Thursday, and today a BIG bag of Sour Patch kids!!! It's so nice and it makes me day just seem perfect.

Volunteering, which I started Monday, has been going well too. I've only gone twice because Wednesday I had Envirothon and Thursday, we had a team-emergency with warmups and getting dressed and the bus getting here too early. Oh well.

So... Boarding school has also been great. I've been emailing some department heads a little bit, saying who I am and my specific interest in their department/sport.

I have to go- I'm too tired to think.

I'm tired. Dead-tired.

Not the type of tired where you feel loopy and out of it, slow and uncomprehending. That's a dealt-with tired, where your body isn't so tired but your mind is.

I'm the tired where I can feel my body deteriorating. My mind is jacked and ready to go, and I did my work at a desk fine... But when I had to get up and go through the halls, I just wanted to sleep. Practice was luckily canceled today! Thank God. Mrs. Hynes understood that we would be tired after not getting home until NINE at night. And then, with homework, laundry, and bed time stuff, not sleeping until 10:30.

I'm tired. But we've won every single non-divisional game so far, and if we win on Thursday then it'll be 4 wins, 0 losses. I've never been on a majorly-winning team!! We've got to pull together, though, because our passing is crap and Mrs. Hynes is favoring Sam as the setter for the moment. Sam doesn't talk enough, she messes up just as much if not more than I do, and guess who stays in the game? SAM.

There two possibilities. Mrs. Hynes has higher expectations for me than for Sam, and takes me out of the game to teach me that just because I'm okay doesn't mean I can skate by. That's a whatever-theory.

Or... I suck terribly, and Sam (who's an 8th grader!! I'm a freshman!!) kicks butt and is a younger prodigy setter. Argh.

Oh, and it's fall. It rained today, and the trees are losing their summer-color.

I'm bored, tired, and I have school tomorrow. It'll take a few weeks to get used to the fact that I have only two days at a time to be a lazy ass, and even then I have tons of things to do. Volleyball tournaments to play (8+ hours on Saturdays), soccer games to watch (2+ hours on Saturdays), football games to watch (3+ hours on Friday nights), babysitting (2+ hours, any day), work (new job on the horizon??), and family shit. Oh, and boarding school visits.

I had to talk to my Global teacher about my application, because I need a recent graded essay for two/three applications. Not Exeter, though. Weird. He was like... Where they at? And I listed them off, and he's like Aaah, well isn't there an all-girls school in Connecticut?

I remembered Anne Walkers (I think), and Emma Willard in New York, but then he was like Anne Porters... I was like Miss Porters? Yeah, that's it!

Haha. It was strange. Then the bell rang.

I went to a football game from 7:30 to 10:00 on Friday.
I watched a varsity boys soccer game from 11:15 to 12:20 (we won, 8-2!!), then my brother's TCYSA soccer game from 12:30 to 1:15 (lost, 2-3), then to Calico Jacks where I applied for a job and ate with my dad, bro, and cousin from 1:30 to 2:30, and then came home and was bitched at all day on Saturday.
Today I got yelled at as I woke up after ignoring my alarms at 5:20, 8:00, and 8:30 by my grandma who said "Get up! We need your help, people are here!" Of course she didn't wake me up earlier so I could shower, she assumed I could automatically entertain church kids in my pajamas... So I showered and got ready at 9, and sat on the computer from 9 til now. Sundays suck. I want to go home.

Whenever I feel emotional turmoil, I feel nauseous. I want to cry sometimes, or just yell, but I usually am in public so I become cranky, annoyed, and... nauseous. I want to puke and I don't eat and I just feel like crap. It can be little stuff like a bitchy girl or asshole guy saying something nasty to me, or something huge and terrible like getting dumped.

Argh.

School's been pretty fucking fantastic and pretty horrible. I'll explain both.

( The Good )



Yeahhh.



( The Bad )

Am I a whore?

I'm leading on a boy while not truly feeling that much for him... I know that he likes me, a hell of a lot more than I do him, but I'm using that to: a) make myself feel good and b) get over my ex-boyfriend.

God, even typed out it sounds horrible. And then again, this could progress from using him for my own gain to a relationship with mutual respect and "like", but I'll never, ever fucking love him... I couldn't. We dated before, and we said "I love you" with no meaning, and I freaked out and bolted into the arms of my ex-boyfriend. I couldn't do that again, as my ex-boyfriend hates my guts.

Oh! That reminds me! He's been spreading shit about him to his entire soccer team. Apparently, one of those shit rumors was that I "do things" or "make out" with my COUSIN. But this is the confusing part my cousin is ON the soccer team. Why didn't he freak out and be all ewwww you guys no way?

They play today at 11 a.m. and I'm going. It's one of two varsity boy's soccer games I can make it to this year because of the jv and varsity volleyball (FTW!) schedule, and I really want to go. I went to a football game yesterday, and that's where I started my plan of "Win over a guy who I'll never love to make myself feel better" with the guy. It worked. I was punching him (probably gave him many bruises) and then at the end of the night, I gave his friend a high five good bye and went to go give me a high five, but he wouldn't raise his hand. So I hugged him. I know that sounds really, really, retarded, but we're freshman and a hug (to some people) is like an invitation into your pants.let him think that, certainly. It ain't true. We texted until midnight though. God, I'm a whore.

Gonna split this into two posts.

Volleyball, FTW.

It's our first official game today, against NF. Emily NF won't be there because she's playing soccer... Which I did not know... Which definitely makes me sad, because she's awesome and I've only met her ONCE in real life (that I can remember- I'm pretty sure I met her at track IACs at D).

So. As I was saying. First game! I'm excited and nervous, and I'm all dressed up in a polo, sexy bra, and denim miniskirt because we have to dress nice for game days. JV plays first, then we have to change into nice clothes and sit there all gussied up to watch the Varsity play. It'll be exciting, and I have the sexiest makeup ever. And it'll also be only my second time displaying new fashion sense- prepster. Awesome. I have a headache.

I need H2O.

I have my spandex, uniform, tank top, sports bra, socks, shoes, knee pads, water bottle, hair ties... Ummm inhaler? Deodorant. I don't know, I'm bored. Haha.

Yay! Interviews are SO scheduled. (Mostly).

Kickass.

November 15th, Choate! A "Saturday Showcase" (whatever that is) at 9 a.m. and interview at 11 a.m. Also, the New England Volleyball Championships are being held, there, that Saturday! OH EM GEE I might get to see my future team playyy!!! Sorry to sound retarded, but that's flippin' awesome!

December 5th, Exeter! 9 a.m. tour and 10 a.m. interview. Once again, kickass. Too late in the season to watch volleyball, but the coach wants to meet me- awesomeness! I definitely want to see swimming or diving, and hopefully ice hockey (and Emma??) because those are my "potential" winter sports if I do leave for boarding school.

December 6th, Andover! 10:15 a.m. tour and interview. Not so kickass, because they have shitty information in their viewbook and their website is very bare-bones. I can't get any useless yet interesting information out either! Yawn. I don't why but I'm not so excited about Andover- I think it's like my last choice out of the schools, even though it beats Choate and NMH by miles in academics/endowment/whatever.

NMH hasn't been scheduled yet, though, because they don't offer Saturday interviews (PISS!) so Mom and I are waiting to see what weekdays would be easiest to schedule and so mom doesn't miss something sooo important, and I don't miss something existential to my life. I don't know! Haha.

I've also been working on an essay, and it is pretty dang kickass, if I do say so myself. And I don't HAVE to say it myself, seeing as a friend of mine called it "bonerific". My God, I love you Em! You're hysterical.

On other notes, school starts Wednesday for me. Oh, God, I'm screwed. I've got the cutest effing outfit ever and now I'm worried I'll be sweating my tits off. It's supposed to hit 85 by 3 p.m., and school ends at 2:30, so I'll be dealing with high 70s-low 80s temps alllll day. Straight-cut jeans (size 0!! SQUEE~!) and a t-shirt that looks like I'm wearing a dress shirt underneath it but I'm SO NOT (it's very cute) because it's a one-piece shirt.


I organised my desk today, and planned this week's outfits so I'm not tweaking out on Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday. I also have my bag packed for tomorrow for the volleyball game against NF (OH EM GEE I might get to see Emily NF!! I must txt her...) and a bag half-way packed for the first day and for practice on Wednesday. I don't want to bring my big backpack or huuuge UA athletic bag or my volleyball team-issued bag (even bigger than the UA one) because I need to fit it into my small-freshman-locker because they don't issue lockers until... Forever.

I've decided to discontinue the use of the Timeline... It bothered me.
 

( Checklist )