I'm in school with a sore throat and aching body. It's been a tough week, trust me, haha.

I started dating Ben last Friday. I asked him out in Spanish- I stole his agenda and wrote "Hi. We should go out!" in cutesy letters. I held his necklace of guitar picks hostage until he gave me his answer- he held me in suspense for the entire period. His answer was to tell me to keep the necklace, because he says yes- it was very cute.

He made me my own necklace on Saturday- three guitar picks, a reddish brown one, a Hot Topic one, and a blue one, on a plain metal-beaded chain. It's cute and was very sweet. I like him so much- his bass playing turns me on like no tomorrow. He's really hot when he plays- and he's really good. I've only seen him play once and it practically made my heart stop! Haha.

I'm sick. Volleyball has been going well- we won last night, but lost to our biggest competition so far on Tuesday. So did Varsity, but the other team's varsity was amazing on Tuesday. It was sad- the referee was a bitch.

I'm so tired. My throat hurts like fuck. But we do this thing called Big-Sis - Little-Sis between Varsity and JV, and it's so awesome! Right now it's the Big Sis's turns to get stuff for the Little Sis, and I got a sweet card on Wednesday, a poster on Thursday, and today a BIG bag of Sour Patch kids!!! It's so nice and it makes me day just seem perfect.

Volunteering, which I started Monday, has been going well too. I've only gone twice because Wednesday I had Envirothon and Thursday, we had a team-emergency with warmups and getting dressed and the bus getting here too early. Oh well.

So... Boarding school has also been great. I've been emailing some department heads a little bit, saying who I am and my specific interest in their department/sport.

I have to go- I'm too tired to think.

Am I a whore?

I'm leading on a boy while not truly feeling that much for him... I know that he likes me, a hell of a lot more than I do him, but I'm using that to: a) make myself feel good and b) get over my ex-boyfriend.

God, even typed out it sounds horrible. And then again, this could progress from using him for my own gain to a relationship with mutual respect and "like", but I'll never, ever fucking love him... I couldn't. We dated before, and we said "I love you" with no meaning, and I freaked out and bolted into the arms of my ex-boyfriend. I couldn't do that again, as my ex-boyfriend hates my guts.

Oh! That reminds me! He's been spreading shit about him to his entire soccer team. Apparently, one of those shit rumors was that I "do things" or "make out" with my COUSIN. But this is the confusing part my cousin is ON the soccer team. Why didn't he freak out and be all ewwww you guys no way?

They play today at 11 a.m. and I'm going. It's one of two varsity boy's soccer games I can make it to this year because of the jv and varsity volleyball (FTW!) schedule, and I really want to go. I went to a football game yesterday, and that's where I started my plan of "Win over a guy who I'll never love to make myself feel better" with the guy. It worked. I was punching him (probably gave him many bruises) and then at the end of the night, I gave his friend a high five good bye and went to go give me a high five, but he wouldn't raise his hand. So I hugged him. I know that sounds really, really, retarded, but we're freshman and a hug (to some people) is like an invitation into your pants.let him think that, certainly. It ain't true. We texted until midnight though. God, I'm a whore.

Gonna split this into two posts.

John Hancock Day was amazing last year.

We got to go where ever we wanted all day and ate lunch outside, which tasted gross but was fun. Plus we got to hang with whoever we wanted, NOT just in our grade.

Miss Marion (Miss Tits) hired a clown. She also refused to let a band play, and she's separating the grades. Instead of going where ever, we have to go by period (following the bell schedule) and go from place to place as THEY see fit. What the fuck?

I can't even hang out with Randy at all. Except at lunch, which is gay anyway because its too short. A couple of my friends and I are thinking of skipping. If I ask my mom she'll probably be cool with it, especially if I say I'm just going to study for finals all day. I will study... A little... Haha.

But last year I spent all day in Ms. Pischottia's room playing DDR and Donkey Konga. It was so fun! And Dan Truesdale and I hung out a lot, for some odd reason, and so did Shannon and Holly and I. Shannon and Holly hate me now. Ooh, post material! The WHOLE story on Randy and I... This'll be good. Very, very good.

I think my boyfriend is learning.
Really, he is.
(On a side note, this journal has two parts- boyfriend and dream. Boyfriend is first.)
But, anyway, I've been mentioning little by little that I'm not happy with his pansy-ness. And he's working on it, I can see the little hamster wheel in his brain working overtime to get over his inhibitions.
Why does everyone assume that the guy is the perverted one, the one forcing the girl to do things?
We were watching Hitch, in his room. They were going over the fact that the first kiss is the biggest indicator of what the relationship is going to be like. Our first kiss was timid, quick, and we laughed afterwards. Our relationship has been rather awkward, we don't see each other so we're a tad bit hurried when we do, and we're full of laughter. We were also watching Hitch when he made a comparison between me and a girl on screen. "You remind me of her." And I said, "You remind me of that guy. But, he's getting laid tonight and you're not." See? The laughter's there. Instead of being a retard about that stupid comment, we both laughed and the stupidity.
I shut off the lights and shut the door behind me when we were leaving a room in his basement. He whispered, "If you let me out, I'll give you a surprise." Thinking I'd get a kiss, I opened the door right away. He shouts, "Surprise!!" Wow. Yet, as I turn away, he grabs my arm and turns me around, and kisses me full on the mouth, amazing. It felt wonderful, not being in control and letting it go- do I turn here? Do I kiss him there, like this, like that? Do I sit over here? Where do I put my hands?
Just being in his arms, letting my hands rest on his hips, my mouth caught open in surprise and then in a kiss, felt better than any kiss I could or would initiate.
Now, how to get him to do it again...

And last night I had a dream. Oh, and I'll tell you about the dream I had two nights ago. Both had stupid boyfriend issues in them.
First of all, the one two nights ago. We're sitting in my garage, and my best friend and I are on a bench behind my boyfriend, a girl whose sister is in love with him, and a cheerleader friend of the other girl. they all go to my school. Paige (my best friend) and I are sharing a book, and I'm concentrating so hard on it I barely register what's happening around me. Paige looks up and points at my boyfriend, and at the very moment I look up, he kisses Shelby on the mouth. Shelby is the one with the sister, and it shocked me. Instead of freaking out like I should have, I calmly went back to my book. Later in the dream, I confront him, but... It was strange.
The dream last night was still very odd. I was in Zumiez, or some store like Zumiez, because it looked completely different. But I knew it was Zumies. And I see this guy. I am flirting with him, very well I might add, and he looks a lot like Brad... Who I used to like. And so we leave the store, I'm a little behind him, with my friends. And he looks over his shoulder and motions for me to join him. He is very obviously interested in me, and I look interested in him. I never stop thinking about my boyfriend, my real boyfriend, but I go and walk with the other guy anyway... At least, until Paige shouts, "Emily, aren't you in a relationship with Randy?" The other guy quickly gets a huge, betrayed expression on his face, and he says, "You have a boyfriend? I thought..." And then I woke up.
It was all very strange. And after that dream, after I went back to sleep, I had another dream about Randy, my boyfriend. We were all living in this giant complex, but it was like the slums... It was actually not that bad, it was just messy. I liked it. And it was just a dream about that place and talking to Randy. I found it odd, too.

Make the most out of it.

My boyfriend is, in fact, a complete pussy. This is too mean, really, seeing as my last boyfriend was a horny bastard that made everything and everyone awkward. My expectations in personality are high, and yet I tolerated that. Stupid me.

Bobby (not his real name, but effective all the same) is too paranoid- according to him, he's so worried about messing our relationship up.

Newsflash, Bobby- I love you. No matter what. Unless rape or drugs are involved, you're my boyfriend and that's not gonna change just because you did or did not hold my hand or hug my waist, or kiss me in a strange manner. I don't care!

But I wish sometimes that he'd grab me by the waist and bring me in for a long, hot kiss. Finally, some action not initiated by me.

He also has a speech impediment, is colorblind (he can't see colors, at all- it's called achromatopsia), and has freakishly long toes. I love him. I love his faults and his good points. He truly cares about me, he is sweet and goofy, and he mocks me in just the right amount where I'm indignant but all I really want to do is kiss him. He's smart and reads, and I can be a book nerd around him. I love him, I love everything about him.

He wants to fix his damn speech impediment! Oh, God, I really don't care all that much. It's his decision, and if he wants to sound like a regular person, go him. But I wouldn't love him any less if he kept the speech impediment- it's a part of him, and now a part of me.

Having less than 4 minutes to make a post really makes you think about what's important and what you have to say!
(And you worry a lot less about spelling.)

It's Social Studies time! We've been in the computer lab for a coupel days, and I've gotten so little work done it's scary.

I also contracted my boyfriend's cold. Probably from those 2 hours we spent kissing on his couch. God, good times. My friends think I'm a slut, anyway, why not get some pleasure out of it? Oh, yummy, just thinking about him makes me wanna kiss or hit something.